..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
