giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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