Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
