Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
