ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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