we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
