My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
now i know why i became what i already was.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
