I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
