those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
