That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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