Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
