Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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