Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's shark week go big or go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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