I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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