I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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