Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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