he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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