Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
