So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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