I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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