Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
