shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
