im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
