can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
