I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
