and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Pooping to opera.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
