I could have mohawked her pubes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
