i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
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How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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