I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize