If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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