nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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