I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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