i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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