I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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