The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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