Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
