Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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