i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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