I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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