The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
