i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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