apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
