alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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