If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
