ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
