proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
