she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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