It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
