I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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