Ambien. No doubt about it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
