i was born a porn star she said
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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