The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
