Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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