I am puke
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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