First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
