He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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